A letter to my father!

My dear father!

I remember those days when I was your little girl. I can count every second, we spent together. I remember the times when you were happier than me because I got the things I dreamed of. I never forgot that you cried more than me every time I cried. I still remember the smiles, tears, joys and pain we shared.

Dear Father,

I’m not a bad girl. I’m just different. Please don’t hate me. I’m still your little girl. Your little girl still loves you and will love you forever, no matter what.

Dear Father,

I never wanna lose you just because of my sexuality. I tried really hard to change it but I couldn’t because I was born this way.

Dear Father,

For 24 years of my life, I tried to deny what I always felt. But you know what? While doing this, Your little girl couldn’t breath. She was feeling she would die if she’ll keep this as a secret anymore. The pressure was so unbearable that she decided to commit suicide. Yes daddy, suicide!

My dear father,

You know, it’s the hardest thing one can ever experience that revealing your sexuality can cause you pain of losing your loved ones and you know daddy, what’s even more painful? It’s this fear that they’ll hate you.

My dear father,

Do you really hate your little girl? The little girl you were proud of. The girl you shared your joys and pain with. Why? Daddy! Why?

I beg you please don’t hate me. I remember every single moment you trusted me instead of society. I know you’re very religious and I know Islam doesn’t allow homosexuality. If you can’t accept me who am I. Don’t but please I beg, at least, don’t hate me.

Please! Dear Father! Don’t hate me. I can’t bear this. I hope one day you’ll get it.

From,

Your little girl who still loves you.

My father is very religious and don’t believe in homosexuality. In Islam, there is no concept of homosexuality and It’s strictly prohibited. Also, in Pakistan, people really care about what other people would say if they’ll do something. May be, my father is afraid of society. But I can’t be in a closet anymore. Sorry daddy if this makes you emabarresd. I really don’t mean it.

Memories- The first girl I ever fell in love with ❤ (lesbian edition)

To love someone or to be loved is the best feeling one can ever experience. The moment you see a person and the very next moment, you’re a completely different person with different feelings. Even the whole world seems to be different but more beautiful.

Yes, a moment can change your life forever! The moment when you fell in love!

When I fell in love with a girl, I was 14. Just to see a glimpse of her, I could wait for hours standing in rain. That smile, those eyes and specially her beautiful hands. Wow!

The two beautiful but painful years i spent with her, I couldn’t tell her that I was so in love with her.

I was doing everything which I could possibly do to make her happy. I used to recite beautiful poems about love to her. She used to like my taste of poetry. When she liked some verses she used to scream with joy and her face started blushing. Just to see this, I used to collect best poetry which I could. In fact, we were very good friends. But what I wanted was not just to be friends.

When you’re in growing age, specially between 12-18 years, you learn many new things. You want to control your emotions and new feelings. As You experience many physical changes, it disturbs your mental and emotional stability. This is the age that if you fall in love with someone, you get a lifetime experience.

I really wanted to tell her but I couldn’t because I knew she never felt the same way as I did. Anyway, overcoming all of my fears, one day I sent her a text massage.

“I’m in love with you since high school. I still am and I never doubted it”.

She didn’t took it so seriously. She replied:

“Really? I never knew it”.

I said:

yeah! I always waited for you to love me back the way I loved you.

She replied:

You’re talking like as if you’re a boy. Haha!

I said:

Well, love is love. I believe in all kinds of love. Gender is not important when it comes to true love. If it’s wrong why it seems to be the only right thing to me?

She never replied back.

How painful is it to love someone who do not love you back. I believe it’s really important to experience pain.

If you’ve never experienced pain in your life, you can’t understand the real meaning of joy and happiness. 

The existence of darkness explain what light is. Hate really explains what it would be like to be loved.

Hey girl! My first love! You didn’t loved me but I did. I’m not asking you to love me but at least learn to respect other’s feelings.

At that time, I couldn’t tell you that I was gay but now I can whole heartedly say that yes! I’m gay. Yes! I am!

How it feels like when no one is there for you! (Lesbian edition)

A year ago, I decided to attempt suicide. I said to myself “I don’t want this kind of life”. I couldn’t breath because I was hiding something inside myself. I’m still hiding it. Why?

Anyway, today i’m gonna reveal it in front of everyone and I 100% feel like doing it.

I knew that I was different from other girls when I was 14. I wasn’t able to figured it out untill I turned 19. I always questioned myself “why I never had feelings for some guy? Why I’m attracted to the girls more?”

I first listened to the word ‘lesbian’ when I was 18. It took me one year to figure out who I am. Yes! I’m a lesbian.

In the society like Pakistan, no one can even understand what it means. If some one does, he/she will think I am a psychopath or i need some therapy because it’s not normal. When people don’t even understand what it means to be gay, how can you come out? In case you try to make others understand what it means, there can be a chance that you might be harmed by some religious group because of this.

Does it make sense to come out in this kind of situation? When everyone around you says ‘it’s a sin’. You’ll surely be burned in hell”. I would never care of what others think or say unless I am afraid of being physically harmed or even being killed.

Yes! I’ve fears. Yes! I’m burning inside. It’s the most painful feeling ever to pretend what you’re not. This world seems to be a hell to me.

There are gay and lesbians in Pakistan but no one can come out because of the homophobic society of Pakistan. No one, specially girls, can’t even imagine to come out. It feels like impossible!

Why society in Pakistan is homophobic?

There are different factors for this. The most important is strong influence of religion. Islam doesn’t allow homosexuality. It’s a sin according to Islam. At early age, I tried to deny what I felt about girls because I’m a muslim girl. However, it wasn’t something which could be denied because i was born this way.

The second factor is social norms and values. We have very strong family set ups in Pakistan. Parents have great influence on their children. Parents can take many important decisions of their children’s lives like choices about study, profession and even marriage. Specially for girls, what I wrote above is very true. All the girls are dependant on their parents and they pay all the expenses for their studies and even for marriages. Mostly parents decide to whom their daughter should grt married.  Surprised to hear this? Yes, the girls get married to the person they barely know. Taboo? Probably!

I don’t know why I didn’t committed suicide. Probably because I never lose hope in my life. I’ve always been the girl with a smile. And specially, this pain of being in a closet has given me a big lesson that is:

No matter how much darkness you have inside, be the source of light for others. If you do this, believe me, one day you’ll shine like a star. 

The reason why I decided to came out on internet is because it’s the only place where people can understand who I am.

It’s so hard to be in a closet! I can’t bear it anymore. Nothing can change my belief Love is love!

Yes yes! No more pain, no more closets! I’ve to shine! I’ve to be who I really am!rainbow-1445337690d8q

I was always in love with rainbows and now I understand why!